When we feel angry at those we love most

I didn’t feel good when I woke up this morning.

There was some anxiety in my heart and my stomach was churning.

I felt really damn grumpy.

In the past I would have gone straight to guilt and shame for feeling that way when I had a lovely day yesterday and a decent sleep. What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be feeling this way! I should be feeling happy and loving and at peace! Past me would have then faked it. I would have plastered a veneer of calm and sweetness over the dis-ease I was feeling and gone about my day. Focussed on being nice to everyone except myself.

This is what I mean when I talk about self-abandonment.

It’s all these small choices each day that erode our sense of wholeness and peace within ourselves to try and keep the peace with others. The more we love and care about someone the more we do it.

But it doesn’t work. Why? Because it turns into resentment. It’s so easy from this place to start blaming others for us not getting our needs met. Our needs for space, for attention, empathy, compassion and care. When these needs get constantly put aside and suppressed, it creates a bitterness inside (whether we are willing to admit this or not) and a deep exhaustion that can turn into a pervasive sense of powerlessness.

It takes courage to turn this around.

First we have to recognise we have needs that deserve equal footing with those we love and care for. Secondly we need to risk disrupting the peace and losing approval by asserting those needs. Thirdly we need to admit to ourselves that we are not good and loving all the time. That actually we can feel angry and hateful. Especially towards those closest to us. And finally we need to take responsibility for this anger and hate by realising the self-abandoning choices we’re making.

So this morning I took a moment for myself in the shower to tune in while my son was having his breakfast. I realised I was actually so angry with my partner who I’m so deeply in love with. Curious. I didn’t know what it was about but it was pretty intense so I knew it was important and wanted to find out more. I sensed into my tummy where the feeling was most intense and asked if there were words or impulses there. I heard « Argh get away!! I need some space!! » Right. I thought back to the day before and realised there were a few moments where I didn’t assert myself, where I was too scared to share what was really true for me and just went along with things instead. All small things, but my body intelligence was now cueing me to notice those micro-betrayals that so often happen before I’m even aware.

I felt a big sense of gratitude. I have a history of anxious codependence in previous relationships. A shrinking and contorting of myself which I am deeply committed to not recreate. So any time this sense of feeling trapped comes up I really want to pay attention and take action to metabolise the energy and bring it back to my heart. Action this time looked like me punching and bashing a pillow while growling. After about 30 seconds a softening came over me and I reached out to hug the pillow instead while my breath slowed and I felt my heart reopen.

The reason we get most angry and frustrated at the people we love most is in part because anger is the energy of love which has become distorted through disowning our needs and boundaries. It can be easily converted back into love (for yourself and others) if you know how to move it.

I love to share this with mums and other women because it makes such a radical difference to our energy, confidence and lovingness when we can harness this energy of self-assertion rather than suppressing it.

If you’d like to learn more, check out the Work with me page for options of 1:1 sessions or to join one of my upcoming workshops. I would love to hear from you.